Saturday, March 29, 2014

Movie Review -- Noah

I have occasionally been asked about various Biblically-themed movies, and generally, I don't go to see them.  I don't have much hope for Hollywood being faithful to the Bible.

But they had been plugging the movie "Noah" for a while and I figured it would be popular, so I thought I had better see it.   So last night, Laura and I went to see Noah.

Short review:  It is bad.  Do not see it.  Do not waste your money.  Do not waste your time.  Read Genesis 6-9.  That will be accurate and you will be done in 10-15 minutes.  The movie will take away a good 2 hours that you will not get back.

Longer review:  Laura and I were trying to find the right adjective for this movie.  Wretched came to mind.  So did putrid, rancid, and awful.  We finally decided on abominable. 

A tag line on the trailer for this movie states: "The film is inspired by the story of Noah. While artistic license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide. The biblical story of Noah can be found in the book of Genesis." (from 

Let's see, what did they get right?
There was a man named Noah.  He had sons--Shem, Ham, and Japheth.  There was a flood.  There was an ark.  There were animals.  Beyond, that, not much was right.

What was wrong?  Hmmmmm.....  A sampling:
1)  The angels failed Adam and Eve when they were tempted.  So they came to earth and tried to fix everything.  But they crashed into the earth, the earth clung to them, and they walked around as giant rock creatures called "The Watchers."  This scored very high on the bizarro meter.
2)  The earth was a burnt-over charred ruin.  Man had destroyed everything.  That's why "the Creator" was going to send a flood.  Man had been bad environmentalists.
3)  Noah was kind of guessing at what "the Creator's" message was.  He had dreams, and he was trying to piece things together.  God was, at best, a vague participant in this whole movie.
4)  The ark was built by "the Watchers."
5)  Ham and Japheth had no wives on the ark.  Their wives were, apparently, going to be the twin girls born to Shem and his wife.
6)  Noah turned into a psychotic killer, determined to save the animals (who were pure) and to kill off all people (because they destroy the creation).
7)  The ark had a stow away who remained undetected for 9 months.

The list could go on.  Do not see this movie.  It is bad.
The book is better.  It is true.  And it is God's Word.

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